So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
