I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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