I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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