Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
