I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
