my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
