Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Floor bacon is actually really good
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
