Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
