Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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