currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
