you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
