I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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