she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
