Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
