i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
