I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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