My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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