Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
