someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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