Soap is not a condiment
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize