So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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