I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
