I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
