you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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