sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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