my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
