If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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