ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize