I am puke
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
