the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
