My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
