Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
