he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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