you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Fuck appropriateness.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
