i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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