Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
