My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I AM VODKA MAN
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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