im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Oh god it's open bar.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
