There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
