I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
