Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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