I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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