Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
