I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
