it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I love you. Go after that dick
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
