I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
