I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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