You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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