I faked an abortion last night.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize