she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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