Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
