I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize