my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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