Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I will die if light touches me.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize