hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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