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I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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