I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
